January 28, 2006

this is the state of my brain...

i just recently played the georgia theatre, which was BADASSED!!! to play on the same stage as some of my heroes like dave matthews and al dimeola have played felt amazing... the way i'm feeling now is that i'm ready to burst!! i still don't have wheels to hit the road, but when i do i'll be playing in backyards in alaska if there'll be friendly ears to play for!! i'm looking back on when i started and how i started and how much more i have to go to get when i want to... isn't it kinda crazy? isn't it better to get an 8 to 5 with benefits, settle down and make babies? there is nothing wrong with that at all... but i don't think that's why i'm here... i feel a sense of uncertainty, fear, excitement and destiny... put all those feelings together and that's where i'm coming from... there is no greater accomplishment i've felt than that of a crowd or a single person responding with happiness and identification with a song i've written... that's such a high for me... it's just like how lonely people in big cities are always looking for "the one" or something... well, "the one" for me is that person in the crowd and the people i meet to get there... i know i'm just rambling, but i need to get this out of my head somehow... the road is long and i don't know how i'll get to the end... sometimes i DO want to quit this because it gets hard... it's true... when you play to a crowd who couldn't give a shit less if you're there or not, for example, it is very tough to swallow and it IS very defeating... but i believe that it is necessary to suffer and be kicked to come out better at the end... i don't think that it's simply vanity and ego to do what i/we do... we would all be obvious ego maniacs if musicians suffered so openly simply for fleeting vanity... it's validation for one's need to speak with strings and lyrics... it's part dreaming and part insanity for sure... part enterprise and part lunacy, but mostly hopeful... but, i MUST play music... i MUST meet people... i MUST move people... it truly is what substantiates me... it truly is why i believe i'm here... my little opinion, fragility and life wrapped in song available to the world... but one has to go into the wilderness to find out who wants to listen to keep it going... to try to feel better about the fact that we are ALL drops in a bucket... a grain of salt trying to stand out in the big, vast ocean... THAT is scary and the plan to accomplish the task is shaky at best... that's the scary uncertainty that i feel... but it is necessary to venture and try to be more... that is the truly amazing thing about our little species... the willingness to plow head-long into cold and unforgiving uncertainty for something that may or may not be there when you are at your end... but here i go anyway... you're all invited to come with me... it's tough and long and dark, but it shouldn't have to be lonely... thank you to everybody who has been a part of this and welcome to the people just coming around and believing in what i'm trying to do... my little piece of eternity and your little piece of me... thank you again....

wesley